When I first started writing this blog post, I was going to write this semi-controversial post about how I think it's wrong that all these LDS people are going to see American Sniper, when they are clearly crossing a line that the Church has set. But as I've been writing, my post has evolved, and my anger has disintegrated. And I'm realizing that I'm at just as guilty as these people seeing the movie, even though I don't watch R rated movies.
Here's why. Everyone sins. I learned something from one of the many men my mom has dated. I can't remember which one, but I do remember our discussion about sinning. What he said was that in the LDS church, it's just "pick-a-sin, pick-a-sin." Everyone sins, but in different ways. And some commandment or guideline from the church that may be very important to me, might not be a big deal to someone else. And I think this is what I'm discovering with rated R movies.
Here's an example of what I'm trying to explain with this "pick-a-sin" thing. A while ago we had dinner with some friends on a Sunday. Everyone at the party was LDS. We all had a different food assignment to bring. We show up to the party and there's a few fresh Carl's Jr. bags on the table. (You're probably thinking the same thing I was right? Why is there fast food here, on a Sunday, and we're all LDS....) It's pretty standard that LDS people don't go out and shop on Sunday. ANYWHO, So the friend who bought the fast food, explained himself and said, "Well I had to go do my home teaching before I came, so I didn't have time to make anything. So I just stopped by Carl's Jr. real fast." At first, I had to chuckle, because it's just like...an oxymoron. You went and did your home teaching, and then bought something at Carl's Jr on Sunday?
But then I learned something from this friend when I realized this is a perfect example of "pick-a-sin"
Maybe this friend of ours has gained a strong testimony of home teaching and the importance of it, and is a faithful home teacher, but doesn't have the same conviction about not shopping on Sunday. Where in the same room there could be someone thinking, "GASP!! He went and bought Carl's Jr on a Sunday?!?! WHAT A BLATANT SIN!!! That's TERRIBLE!!!", yet that same person hasn't gone home teaching in a year.
and I can think of a million other times in my life when I've seen someone sin, and that particular commandment is very important to me and I totally judge them for it, yet I'm committing just as grave a sin, my sins just look a little different (cough...judging them...cough).
We're all just trying to do our best. And just because someone else's sinning looks a little bit different than ours, doesn't mean we have to judge them for it.
Okay, I totally was NOT going for a "don't judge others and stay out other people's business" soap box here, and that's what it's turning into, so I'm gonna stop right there.
But I still am going to tell you why I'm not going to see American Sniper.
First of all, I think the reason each person thinks different guidelines and commandments are important is largely because of how they were raised and what was prioritized in their house growing up. And watching R rated movies was just something we didn't do in my house. I was taught my whole life that R rated movies are bad and we shouldn't watch them. And down to my very core I am a rule follower- so obviously I believe that too.
The second reason I'm not going to see it is because I feel like if something is so blatantly spelled out for us in the church, I want to follow it. And not watching R rated movies is very blatantly spelled out.
The third reason is because I'm trying to bring only things that will uplift me into my life. Things that will change me to be a better person. (as I'm typing this I'm realizing just how many things I do on a regular basis that don't necessarily make me a better person, but I do them without a second thought. Pick-a-sin, pick-a-sin). but I know that watching American Sniper is not going to make me a better person. It is not going to change my life for the better. It is just a fad (And don't try and tell me it will make my life better. I've had this argument already. Maybe it'll change my views about war and how horrible it is, but I don't necessarily think that's making my life better). There are so many times when I'm watching one of my favorite shows (mostly New Girl and The Mindy Project) and the episode is just down right inappropriate, and part of me wants to keep watching it SO BAD, and I'm having this total inner war with myself- like the good angel on one side and the devil on the other side, and I always ask myself the same thing: "Will it really make THAT much of a difference in my life if I don't finish this episode."
And I reach down deep in myself and look at the point of this life and realize that if I don't know what happens at the end of the episode, it's not going matter 5 years down the road. Usually the only reason I can come up with as to why I should keep watching it is because I will want to talk about it with the friends who also watch that show. Which, obviously isn't a very good reason, so the good angel wins and I turn it off, (sometimes begrudgingly).
And that is what I think people should ask themselves about watching American Sniper. Will it really make THAT much of a difference in your life if you don't watch it? Five years down the road are you gonna say, "Man, my life would be SO much better right now if I had watched American Sniper."
No! You're not going to say that! But it might make a difference to your kids when you're teaching them about choosing the right, and you tell them a story about an R rated movie you REALLY wanted to see, but decided not to.
Now that I've given you the speech I gave Sam about why he shouldn't see it....the point is, well...I don't even know what the point is anymore. This blog post has literally flipped a 180 while I was writing it, and is COMPLETELY not what I was planning on writing about.
So I guess I'll just stop here :)
Thanks for listening to my rant.
Do or don't see American Sniper, let me know if either makes you a better person.
27 January 2015
My love/hate relationship with diabetes
I'm just discovering diabetes is not all it's cracked up to be.
Call me crazy or don't believe me, but when I first got diabetes, I was excited. It made me more unique and it made me more like my brother, Jared- the two things I strived to be on a daily basis. Up until I got married, I enjoyed having diabetes. I would see a random (but cute) boy walking past my group of friends and I'd shout out "Wanna give me a shot??" Holding a syringe. It worked every time :)
...I'll just go hang my head in shame.
Looking back, I feel like I was the biggest idiot. I remember telling someone (and I'm embarrassed to even admit this out loud), "if they invented a cure for diabetes, I don't know if I'd take it. I like having diabetes too much."
Like...are you kidding me? I can't believe those words ever came out of my mouth.
But honestly I just loved letting other people give me shots. The following situation is one that happened HUNDREDS of times: I would be hanging out with a person I barely knew and pull out a needle. They'd freak out and be like "WHAT?!!?!" and then I'd ask them if they wanted to give me a shot. Most the time the answer was yes, then I'd give them a quick run down of how to give me a shot, and they, and everyone around them, would be freaking out, and all the while I would remain this cool calm collected cat- unafraid of needles. Then usually follow up questions would come and I would get to briefly educate them about diabetes. More than a handful of times I had people come up to me at UVU and be like "I gave you a shot once!!" and I literally have no recollection of ever meeting them.
I liked this for several reasons. It wasn't something people were around every day. It made me unique. It gave people an opportunity to do something they'd probably never otherwise get to do. The rest of the world is afraid of needles, but I'm not (at least diabetes needles). I loved seeing everyone's reactions; some would freak out, others would be super stoked. And it always put me in a situation where I knew more about something than they did, and I got to teach them about it. But typing this all out, I'm realizing that all of this boils down to one thing (which I honestly didn't even realize until just this moment).....
I liked the attention.
It's honestly not anything more than that. I like attention, and diabetes is a sure fire way to get everyone's eyes on me. (Again, more shame and head-hanging).
Okay...I honestly was not writing this blog post to tell the world how much I like attention and my dirty tricks to get it. I am honestly just realizing I did all of this for attention as I'm typing it.
NOW, back to the point of my blog post. So yeah, diabetes was super fun to have when I was single. It was a social thing. But now that I'm married and not hanging out with a different group of people every night, the glitter has faded (...is that a thing that people say?) Like...all the things that once were exciting about it are gone and the real stuff has set in.
I'm realizing that I need to take diabetes much more seriously and realizing all the hard things that come with taking it more seriously.
People used to always ask me why I don't have a pump and I'd tell them needles were too much fun, and I'd probably get a pump when I got married, because I'll need one for when I want to have kids. So now here I am, married, and I did get a pump just like I always told people I would.
I know what you're thinking...
THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT. Or even a, "we're trying" announcement, or even a "we're thinking about trying" announcement. This is an "I'm starting the long road to get to where I need to be in relation to control with my diabetes so that I can think about thinking about having kids in like two years" announcement :)
Because for me, it's not just like "oh we're ready to have kids now! Let's start trying!" situation. I have to get my A1c in mighty fine good control, which is gonna be a long road I think. I don't know alllll the details about being pregnant and having diabetes, but I know it's very risky. For me and the baby. One of my doctors told me once that a good target range for your blood glucose (BG) to be is 100-120, unless you're pregnant, then you'd want your target range to be 80-100. Which kinda freaked me out because like....being above 120 isn't even that bad to me. Like if I'm 150, I'm not like "ahhh! it's the end of the world! My BG is SOOO high!!" So not being able to be above 100?!?! That's tough. I and know that doesn't mean my BG can't ever ever ever go above 100 or my baby will die, but that's kind of how I feel. I just know that every time my BG accidentally spikes when I'm pregnant, I feel like it's gonna increase the chances that my baby will have problems. If there's something wrong with my baby, it's completely MY fault. It's because I didn't take good enough care of my diabetes while I was pregnant.
Okay, whoa. That got deep. This honestly wasn't gonna be a post about why we're not having kids right now either. Goodness, I'm having trouble making it full circle here.
So what I'm trying to say is that diabetes is hard. I never really thought of it as a trial, but it definitely is one. I find myself wishing more and more that I didn't have diabetes (which is literally something I had NEVER said two years ago). And my diabetes care up until this point has been so laxed (my computer is telling me this isn't a real word, but I feel like it is. Like relaxed- but just laxed.)
But ya know, casual. informal, low-pressure, not taken very seriously. And now that all the fun stuff has faded, I'm realizing it's just hard, and not fun. And I need to be taking a much more forward stance on my care, not just like a quick thing I take care of on the side, but actually center my life around it kind of. And I'm actually looking forward to the future when pumps and continuous glucose monitors and all the other technology get so good that I don't have be so worried about it.
Anyways, it's been a weird ride I've been on, going from loving diabetes to now having the same perspective the rest of the world has- that it sucks. And I feel like I just needed to process all these emotions I'm having. And this blog is a place where the things I wish would come up in common conversation do, so here are my recent thoughts on diabetes.
I know for most people diabetes is not "cracked up" at all, but I feel like for me, for the past 7 years it has been, And now every time I get overwhelmed with diabetes, the only way I can describe it is that...
diabetes isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
Call me crazy or don't believe me, but when I first got diabetes, I was excited. It made me more unique and it made me more like my brother, Jared- the two things I strived to be on a daily basis. Up until I got married, I enjoyed having diabetes. I would see a random (but cute) boy walking past my group of friends and I'd shout out "Wanna give me a shot??" Holding a syringe. It worked every time :)
...I'll just go hang my head in shame.
Looking back, I feel like I was the biggest idiot. I remember telling someone (and I'm embarrassed to even admit this out loud), "if they invented a cure for diabetes, I don't know if I'd take it. I like having diabetes too much."
Like...are you kidding me? I can't believe those words ever came out of my mouth.
But honestly I just loved letting other people give me shots. The following situation is one that happened HUNDREDS of times: I would be hanging out with a person I barely knew and pull out a needle. They'd freak out and be like "WHAT?!!?!" and then I'd ask them if they wanted to give me a shot. Most the time the answer was yes, then I'd give them a quick run down of how to give me a shot, and they, and everyone around them, would be freaking out, and all the while I would remain this cool calm collected cat- unafraid of needles. Then usually follow up questions would come and I would get to briefly educate them about diabetes. More than a handful of times I had people come up to me at UVU and be like "I gave you a shot once!!" and I literally have no recollection of ever meeting them.
I liked this for several reasons. It wasn't something people were around every day. It made me unique. It gave people an opportunity to do something they'd probably never otherwise get to do. The rest of the world is afraid of needles, but I'm not (at least diabetes needles). I loved seeing everyone's reactions; some would freak out, others would be super stoked. And it always put me in a situation where I knew more about something than they did, and I got to teach them about it. But typing this all out, I'm realizing that all of this boils down to one thing (which I honestly didn't even realize until just this moment).....
I liked the attention.
It's honestly not anything more than that. I like attention, and diabetes is a sure fire way to get everyone's eyes on me. (Again, more shame and head-hanging).
Okay...I honestly was not writing this blog post to tell the world how much I like attention and my dirty tricks to get it. I am honestly just realizing I did all of this for attention as I'm typing it.
NOW, back to the point of my blog post. So yeah, diabetes was super fun to have when I was single. It was a social thing. But now that I'm married and not hanging out with a different group of people every night, the glitter has faded (...is that a thing that people say?) Like...all the things that once were exciting about it are gone and the real stuff has set in.
I'm realizing that I need to take diabetes much more seriously and realizing all the hard things that come with taking it more seriously.
People used to always ask me why I don't have a pump and I'd tell them needles were too much fun, and I'd probably get a pump when I got married, because I'll need one for when I want to have kids. So now here I am, married, and I did get a pump just like I always told people I would.
I know what you're thinking...
THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT. Or even a, "we're trying" announcement, or even a "we're thinking about trying" announcement. This is an "I'm starting the long road to get to where I need to be in relation to control with my diabetes so that I can think about thinking about having kids in like two years" announcement :)
Because for me, it's not just like "oh we're ready to have kids now! Let's start trying!" situation. I have to get my A1c in mighty fine good control, which is gonna be a long road I think. I don't know alllll the details about being pregnant and having diabetes, but I know it's very risky. For me and the baby. One of my doctors told me once that a good target range for your blood glucose (BG) to be is 100-120, unless you're pregnant, then you'd want your target range to be 80-100. Which kinda freaked me out because like....being above 120 isn't even that bad to me. Like if I'm 150, I'm not like "ahhh! it's the end of the world! My BG is SOOO high!!" So not being able to be above 100?!?! That's tough. I and know that doesn't mean my BG can't ever ever ever go above 100 or my baby will die, but that's kind of how I feel. I just know that every time my BG accidentally spikes when I'm pregnant, I feel like it's gonna increase the chances that my baby will have problems. If there's something wrong with my baby, it's completely MY fault. It's because I didn't take good enough care of my diabetes while I was pregnant.
Okay, whoa. That got deep. This honestly wasn't gonna be a post about why we're not having kids right now either. Goodness, I'm having trouble making it full circle here.
So what I'm trying to say is that diabetes is hard. I never really thought of it as a trial, but it definitely is one. I find myself wishing more and more that I didn't have diabetes (which is literally something I had NEVER said two years ago). And my diabetes care up until this point has been so laxed (my computer is telling me this isn't a real word, but I feel like it is. Like relaxed- but just laxed.)
But ya know, casual. informal, low-pressure, not taken very seriously. And now that all the fun stuff has faded, I'm realizing it's just hard, and not fun. And I need to be taking a much more forward stance on my care, not just like a quick thing I take care of on the side, but actually center my life around it kind of. And I'm actually looking forward to the future when pumps and continuous glucose monitors and all the other technology get so good that I don't have be so worried about it.
Anyways, it's been a weird ride I've been on, going from loving diabetes to now having the same perspective the rest of the world has- that it sucks. And I feel like I just needed to process all these emotions I'm having. And this blog is a place where the things I wish would come up in common conversation do, so here are my recent thoughts on diabetes.
I know for most people diabetes is not "cracked up" at all, but I feel like for me, for the past 7 years it has been, And now every time I get overwhelmed with diabetes, the only way I can describe it is that...
diabetes isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
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