I'm just discovering diabetes is not all it's cracked up to be.
Call me crazy or don't believe me, but when I first got diabetes, I was excited. It made me more unique and it made me more like my brother, Jared- the two things I strived to be on a daily basis. Up until I got married, I enjoyed having diabetes. I would see a random (but cute) boy walking past my group of friends and I'd shout out "Wanna give me a shot??" Holding a syringe. It worked every time :)
...I'll just go hang my head in shame.
Looking back, I feel like I was the biggest idiot. I remember telling someone (and I'm embarrassed to even admit this out loud), "if they invented a cure for diabetes, I don't know if I'd take it. I like having diabetes too much."
Like...are you kidding me? I can't believe those words ever came out of my mouth.
But honestly I just loved letting other people give me shots. The following situation is one that happened HUNDREDS of times: I would be hanging out with a person I barely knew and pull out a needle. They'd freak out and be like "WHAT?!!?!" and then I'd ask them if they wanted to give me a shot. Most the time the answer was yes, then I'd give them a quick run down of how to give me a shot, and they, and everyone around them, would be freaking out, and all the while I would remain this cool calm collected cat- unafraid of needles. Then usually follow up questions would come and I would get to briefly educate them about diabetes. More than a handful of times I had people come up to me at UVU and be like "I gave you a shot once!!" and I literally have no recollection of ever meeting them.
I liked this for several reasons. It wasn't something people were around every day. It made me unique. It gave people an opportunity to do something they'd probably never otherwise get to do. The rest of the world is afraid of needles, but I'm not (at least diabetes needles). I loved seeing everyone's reactions; some would freak out, others would be super stoked. And it always put me in a situation where I knew more about something than they did, and I got to teach them about it. But typing this all out, I'm realizing that all of this boils down to one thing (which I honestly didn't even realize until just this moment).....
I liked the attention.
It's honestly not anything more than that. I like attention, and diabetes is a sure fire way to get everyone's eyes on me. (Again, more shame and head-hanging).
Okay...I honestly was not writing this blog post to tell the world how much I like attention and my dirty tricks to get it. I am honestly just realizing I did all of this for attention as I'm typing it.
NOW, back to the point of my blog post. So yeah, diabetes was super fun to have when I was single. It was a social thing. But now that I'm married and not hanging out with a different group of people every night, the glitter has faded (...is that a thing that people say?) Like...all the things that once were exciting about it are gone and the real stuff has set in.
I'm realizing that I need to take diabetes much more seriously and realizing all the hard things that come with taking it more seriously.
People used to always ask me why I don't have a pump and I'd tell them needles were too much fun, and I'd probably get a pump when I got married, because I'll need one for when I want to have kids. So now here I am, married, and I did get a pump just like I always told people I would.
I know what you're thinking...
THIS IS NOT A PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT. Or even a, "we're trying" announcement, or even a "we're thinking about trying" announcement. This is an "I'm starting the long road to get to where I need to be in relation to control with my diabetes so that I can think about thinking about having kids in like two years" announcement :)
Because for me, it's not just like "oh we're ready to have kids now! Let's start trying!" situation. I have to get my A1c in mighty fine good control, which is gonna be a long road I think. I don't know alllll the details about being pregnant and having diabetes, but I know it's very risky. For me and the baby. One of my doctors told me once that a good target range for your blood glucose (BG) to be is 100-120, unless you're pregnant, then you'd want your target range to be 80-100. Which kinda freaked me out because like....being above 120 isn't even that bad to me. Like if I'm 150, I'm not like "ahhh! it's the end of the world! My BG is SOOO high!!" So not being able to be above 100?!?! That's tough. I and know that doesn't mean my BG can't ever ever ever go above 100 or my baby will die, but that's kind of how I feel. I just know that every time my BG accidentally spikes when I'm pregnant, I feel like it's gonna increase the chances that my baby will have problems. If there's something wrong with my baby, it's completely MY fault. It's because I didn't take good enough care of my diabetes while I was pregnant.
Okay, whoa. That got deep. This honestly wasn't gonna be a post about why we're not having kids right now either. Goodness, I'm having trouble making it full circle here.
So what I'm trying to say is that diabetes is hard. I never really thought of it as a trial, but it definitely is one. I find myself wishing more and more that I didn't have diabetes (which is literally something I had NEVER said two years ago). And my diabetes care up until this point has been so laxed (my computer is telling me this isn't a real word, but I feel like it is. Like relaxed- but just laxed.)
But ya know, casual. informal, low-pressure, not taken very seriously. And now that all the fun stuff has faded, I'm realizing it's just hard, and not fun. And I need to be taking a much more forward stance on my care, not just like a quick thing I take care of on the side, but actually center my life around it kind of. And I'm actually looking forward to the future when pumps and continuous glucose monitors and all the other technology get so good that I don't have be so worried about it.
Anyways, it's been a weird ride I've been on, going from loving diabetes to now having the same perspective the rest of the world has- that it sucks. And I feel like I just needed to process all these emotions I'm having. And this blog is a place where the things I wish would come up in common conversation do, so here are my recent thoughts on diabetes.
I know for most people diabetes is not "cracked up" at all, but I feel like for me, for the past 7 years it has been, And now every time I get overwhelmed with diabetes, the only way I can describe it is that...
diabetes isn't what it's all cracked up to be.
3 comments:
Alright, attempt number TWO at posting a freaking comment. And now I'm all self-conscious that my previous post did work and there's going to be similar phrases and that's just embarrassing. Like when people resend a text because they don't think it sent but they changed it a little and you're just embarrassed a little for them haha. Anyways, I can totally hear you telling me all of this and going on mini tangents and I LOVE IT. I love when people sound exactly like themselves in their blog. Also I'm pretty sure I knew you had a blog but I totally forgot, so now I have something to stalk! And I'm sorry that your love for diabetes has gone sour, because I know how much you loved it! And how the needles thing is fun for you haha. I'm glad you're getting a head start on regulating your health so that you'll be in the habit of it down the road (or closer to being in the habit of it haha). I love you and I love your blog!
Shayla, I am so sorry. :( That is not a fun reality to have to deal with for the rest of your life, at all. It is a huge trial for sure. If you need a listening ear from time to time about not being able to eat, live, do whatever you want, etc. like everyone else because of health reasons then I'm your girl! Ha. Also, we need to get down and dirty and talk blood glucose sometime. ;) I have been meaning to ask you about it actually. I know I don't have diabetes, but I definitely have some blood sugar/ metabolic problems going on and I am trying to figure out what. I gave birth to a 9 pound 7 oz baby girl who is now a peanut for one! So there's a little hope for you - I'm pretty sure my BG was extremely high most of my pregnancy (because I lived off of pancakes and whipped cream because I was just sick and tired) and Claire came out huge, but she's ok! Who knows what underlying issues she might have someday, but she's a bright, healthy wonderful girl, and your kids will be too! I know it's not the same but hopefully it might ease your mind just a little. Love you and will be thinking about you as you try to get this figured out. I know it's a long overwhelming road but everything will be ok. Good luck.
I too am sorry you're having to go through this. Being pregnant is hard (at least it was for me) and you're just trying to survive more of the time. I will say that you will do what you have to to protect that child and it makes you form a bond that is unshakable because of the sacrifices you make for it. I do have to say that you're brave and I wish I could give myself a shot without passing out. I was so happy that I only passed out a couple of times while pregnant from seeing needles and my own blood.
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